You know men are bad at multitasking, so don’t bother asking him what he’s thinking when he’s in the throes of sex.
“What are you thinking about?” you ask, having just removed the black bra that’s been peeping out of your dress infuriatingly all night. I’m finally getting a green light to gander at all your glorious bits and you want to know what I’m thinking. “Er, you naked,” I stutter.
Possibly the least satisfying answer ever, right? Asking a guy what’s going through his mind when he sees you naked is a bit like putting a steak in front of a shipwreck survivor and asking him what he’s thinking about. There won’t be many surprises outside the parameters of mustard and medium rare. But a few things are certain. Poetic musings do not happen in the moment. There’s no planning or foresight. Now I’m stumbling out of my jocks. Now I’m fumbling with your bra strap. Now I’m looking unabashedly at your breasts. Now I’m looking at them again.
We do think, but our brains are on autopilot as our attention is almost fully absorbed by the physical. Here’s what else goes through the fishbowl.
What He’s Thinking… Before
Anticipation
To us you’re the Venus de Milo, except better: you’ve got arms. We’re praising the tokoloshe and our lucky rabbit’s foot as we realise it really is about to happen. The truth is, he’s imagined you naked right from the first time he met you (we all do) and now speculation’s no longer necessary. And even though this is probably not his first rodeo, a first time is always exciting.
But as much as he’s appreciating the way you look and feel right now, his main focus is on how he performs. It’s an ego thing. He’s like a prize Labrador wanting to please you and get invited back for another biscuit and tickle.
READ MORE: This Is Exactly What Men Notice… When You’re Naked
Underwear
Even if he couldn’t navigate himself out of a La Senza store, he’s evaluating your choice of knickers. We don’t really know a lot about underwear other than that there’s sensible and skimpy. Yours are given a fleeting evaluation as we try to get you out of them. For example: Granny panties? Interesting. Is that because she’s a no-nonsense type who likes the support? That’s it.
The bra – while it’s not quite a chastity belt, it still gets us sometimes. We view it as being as accessible as Telkom’s Support. Modern man is expected to be able to unclasp it with his baby toe while massaging your neck and mixing you a daiquiri, so we’re worried we’ll screw it up. Being able to see the prize but not access it? Agonising. It’s like running the Comrades only to finish the last 100m with hurdles.
Mood
We’re evaluating your state of mind. Why did you suddenly get so serious? This is not an IMF hearing into the Greek debt crisis. We’ve been laughing all night and now that we’re naked it’s like you’ve taken on a different persona. Sex shouldn’t be taken too lightly, sure, but it doesn’t mean fun ceases.
READ MORE: 5 Surprising Things Guys Worry About Most During Sex
Accessories
While our eyes are 99 percent on you, our Spidey senses are taking in the peripheral stuff and what it says about you.
Stuffed toys. Out of your teens and still sleeping with a moth-eaten teddy? Could be a bunny boiler, or worse. Sex toys. A drawer full of things to tether you with… Depending on the guy, this is exciting or intimidating.
Animals. Of course I don’t mind having your cat in the room. Why would I? It’s not like the glare from your malevolent Siamese and its tail on my butt is affecting my erection at all. Pictures of your dad/ex/brother. We understand, you’re close, but Pops leering at us from the bedside table is distracting in all the wrong ways.
Contraception
He’s hoping you have condoms because the one he’s got in his wallet may not be so safe. In contrast to the sweet nothings and breathy palpitations you’re both engaged in right now, the side exchange involving a technical contract of each other’s biology has to happen.
READ MORE: 3 Things Your Guy Wants You To Do In Bed…But Will Never Ask For
What He’s Thinking… During
Margaret Thatcher wearing cricket whites
One of his biggest fears rightnow is that he’ll reveal himself as a two-stroke engine. It’s the single guy’s curse because, if it’s been a while since he’s done this, masturbation may have made him used to coming too quickly.
In trying to last longer, he’ll try any combination of thoughts to combat premature ejaculation. Five-day cricket = boring; Margaret Thatcher = unattractive. Margaret Thatcher playing five-day cricket = powerful antidote to your nakedness moving next to him. Tractor mechanics, algebra, Angie Mothsekga – there are many variants of this game.
If he fails to last longer, he’s hoping you don’t judge him. Give him a second shot, so to speak.
Oral Exams
As much as he’s looking forward to sex with you, he’s really hoping for a blowjob. It’s a lopsided thought process, battered from all sides by more thoughts and counter thoughts. If she goes down on me, what’s the alert procedure when I’m close to orgasm? Should we discuss it beforehand? Does she expect me to go down on her? I mean, I’d like to, it’s only fair, but then I don’t want her to think that I don’t value the intimacy of the act. Maybe I’ll save it for next time. Ah, but then if I don’t return the favour maybe there won’t be a next time…
READ MORE: What He’s REALLY Thinking During Doggy Style
Noises
He probably likes the noises you make, as long as they’re genuine. It’s a bit odd if you moan while he’s touching your elbow. Also, it’s unlikely he has a problem with the volume (in fact he’ll proudly claim to be the catalyst for the reaction), as long as your folks/housemates/BFFs aren’t around.
Two to tango
Lastly, if you tend to be a passive participant, something he’s sure to be thinking is, Please don’t just lie there: get involved. Initiate whatever it is you like. Don’t play 20 questions about whether he likes his balls tickled. Just give it a bash (the concept, not his balls). Jump him and let the communal groans be your guide.
READ MORE: 6 Pieces Of Sex Advice You Should Totally Ignore, According To Men
What He’s Thinking… After
The Performance Review
One part of him is playing coach, replaying a few of the highlights of the last five, 15, 30 minutes – considering what he did well, what he would have done better and what you did that blew his mind.
When X Skips Y And Goes To Zzz
He’s definitely thinking about sleep. The post-orgasmic effect is similar to that of Valium. Combine the fact that most sex happens at night, postwork, post-party and the man is fighting slumber-bears. You can engage in pillow talk, but don’t expect too much.
Exit Strategy
If it’s your first night together, he could easily be thinking of a way to get out (if it’s your place) or get you out (if it’s his). It doesn’t mean he’s regretting the sex you just had or doesn’t like you; it’s simply to do with space and habits.
If he’s single, he’s used to being on his own, sleeping on his own, farting contentedly on his own. If you’re in a relationship, he could be thinking of how long he should wait before getting up and working/watching TV/checking emails.
Guys are goal-orientated, and with sex ticked off (however gloriously) he may be thinking about the next thing on his agenda. Alternatively, he could be thinking how awesome that was and willing his penis into action again.
