Gaslighting is, perhaps, one of the most popular ‘New Age’ psychological phrase that has managed to spill out of therapy sessions into personal/intimate relationships and the workplace! “Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and/or manipulation that can make someone question their own thoughts, feelings, reality and sanity,” explains certified corporate wellness specialist Kristina Mereigh in a 2021 LinkedIn post titled Longterm Self Gaslighting Led to the Great Resignation.
She adds that poor leaders often use gaslighting techniques to make subordinates place blame on themselves rather than the institution’s poor leadership and communication skills. “It is often a part of the cycle of violence that becomes internalised; resulting in self-doubt, a breakdown of confidence, suppression of healthy thoughts or emotions and regular, unhealthy questioning of self,” says Mereigh.
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Given the amount of time we spend working, it’s essential to create as healthy a working environment as possible. It’s essential to prioritise your mental and emotional health and take steps to protect yourself in the workplace. Dealing with a colleague who gaslights you can be challenging, but it’s essential to address the situation in a constructive and assertive manner.
Remember that confronting gaslighting behaviour can be difficult and the outcome may vary. Devan Moonsamy author of The 8-Step Guide To Modern Mental Health (available on Amazon), also CEO of ICHAF Training Institute – a South African Corporate Training Provider & National Learning Institute suggests taking the following steps:
Some actions to consider taking
Recognise gaslighting
Understand what gaslighting is so you’re able to identify it when it happens. Gaslighting tactics often involve trivialisation or denial of the issue at hand, blame-shifting or questioning one’s sanity or memory.
Maintain self-awareness
Feel like you’re being gaslit? Acknowledge your emotions and thoughts as valid – and, lastly, trust your instincts and feelings.
Document the behaviour
Keep a record of instances where your colleague gaslights you. Note the date, time, location as well as what was said or done. This documentation will prove valuable should you need to address the issue formally down the line.
Limit interaction
Minimise unnecessary interactions with the colleague in question whenever possible. If their behaviour is negatively affecting you, reducing contact can help protect your well-being.
Seek support
Talk to trusted friends, family members or other colleagues about the situation. They can provide emotional support and their perspective may help you validate your experiences.
Confront calmly
When you feel comfortable and safe doing so, calmly confront the gaslighter about their behaviour. Use “I” statements to express how their actions make you feel. For example, say, “I feel frustrated when you dismiss my ideas during meetings.”
Set boundaries
Clearly establish personal boundaries with the colleague. Let them know what behaviour is unacceptable and that you expect to be treated respectfully.
Document discussions
If you have a conversation with the colleague about the gaslighting behaviour, document the discussion, including what was said and any agreements made.
Involve a supervisor or HR
If the gaslighting continues and affects your work or well-being, consider escalating the issue to your supervisor or human resources department. Present your documented evidence and express your concerns about a hostile work environment.
Seek professional help
If the gaslighting takes a severe toll on your mental health and well-being, consider speaking to a therapist or counsellor who can provide guidance and support.
Know Your Rights
Familiarise yourself with workplace policies and regulations related to harassment and bullying. You have the right to a safe and respectful work environment.
Self-Care
Prioritise self-care to manage the stress and emotional toll of dealing with gaslighting. Engage in activities that promote relaxation and well-being, such as exercise, meditation, or hobbies.
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What of self-gaslighting?
In Mereigh’s 2021 LinkedIn article, she turned the focus to self-gaslighting, describing it as a less obvious form of self-sabotage where an employee doubts themselves so much that it hinders their growth. Self-gaslighting may sound something along the lines of:
- “I must be the problem. I need to take feedback better.”
- “My own insecurities are standing in the way of my success.”
- “I’m lucky to even be here, so I need to suck it up and just try to fit in.”
- “Let me take the abuse because at least I have a job.”
“It’s me not them… If I work harder to outshine everyone then the institution will recognise my work and meet my needs/department’s needs. I just need to do more”. - “It isn’t that bad. It’s not going to be different anywhere else.”
- “I have to stay at least two years or it will negatively affect prospects.”
- “I should be tougher and stronger to deal with anything that comes my way.”
- “Working these insanely long hours is a part of the process to make me stronger or to make me a better ____.”
- “If I shrink myself to fit in, they will be more accepting of me.”
“If you resonate with one or more of these self-gaslighting themes, it is time to learn how to trust yourself again, make space for yourself to heal, and find opportunities to separate yourself in the short or long term from this abusive relationship,” cautions Mereigh, adding that workplace gaslighting alienates the victimised individuals from their internal compass. “Self-gaslighting becomes a survival technique to help employees adopt and survive their toxic relationships with their employer/ supervisor which leaves people more vulnerable to further abuse. Long-term effects of gaslighting (self or otherwise) can result in mistrust of others, ourselves, depression and heightened anxiety.”