“Just be the freaking person who cares more. Be the person who tries harder, loves stronger, gives more of a shit than all of the half-alive people who surround them. Be the person who answers their messages, shows up to their commitments and doesn’t leave others hanging or guessing at their eternally vague intentions,” read a paragraph from the chapter Be The Person Who Cares More off Heidi Priebe’s self-help ‘essays’ book This Is Me Letting You Go. Upon completing that chapter, I couldn’t help but think: this author has clearly never been ghosted – or else they would’ve never written a whole essay that poses such a tall order on those of us who have been victims of this ghastly act [chuckles]! Alas, we move and we heal!
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What Exactly Is Ghosting?
Simply stated, ghosting is when someone suddenly stops communicating with you without telling you why. This is becoming an increasingly common method of terminating a relationship. Researchers state that it is a one-sided dissolution strategy where all communication is cut off with no explanation, both temporarily or likely permanently. Although the term commonly refers to romantic relationships and modern online dating, this can occur in any relationship. Since the “ghoster” ends the relationship suddenly by stopping communication, it can leave the “ghostee” with unfinished business, confusion and even tolls on their mental health.
We Get It, It Hurts!
Although there are limited studies on the phenomenon of ghosting, many deal with it particularly with the new norm of online dating. Ghosting can be considered emotionally abusive because it is a passive yet aggressive relational pattern that leads those who are “ghosted” with negative mental health effects such as low self-esteem, anxiety, betrayal, hurt and confusion.
READ MORE: What Is Ghosting? And What To Do If You’re Being Ghosted, According To Relationship Experts
Why? Ghosting leaves people with questions, hurt and confusion. For instance, many self-aware clients often want to know why they got ghosted and ask, is it them or me? If you have a history of being ghosted, or people removing themselves from your life, it may be beneficial to explore that further with a therapist.
However, researchers have uncovered that those who ghost may have personality characteristics that lead them to this easy exit strategy. For example, they may have high-conflict personalities and suffer from emotional immaturity, have avoidant attachment styles, or have undiagnosed personality disorders (i.e., Dark Triad, narcissism). Those with Dark Triad traits may engage in ghosting more often due to their lack of empathy, selfishly motivated perspective, and immaturity to have effective relationship termination (difficult conversations, etc).
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How To Recover From Ghosting
These tips from psychologist Lindani Mnyaka will help set you on your path to healing.
1. Silence is a response in itself.
Sometimes clients are confused at the abrupt ending and continue to reach out with wishes to hear from the ghoster for an explanation. It is important to realise that “not responding” speaks volumes and is a form of communication, even if it is one that you do not use. Remember you deserve to be treated with courtesy and respect in any relationship which includes effective communication, not avoidance.
2. Reframe the ghosting: Try not to take it personally.
As stated previously, the behaviour of an abrupt and unexplained ending may have more to do with the ghoster. It may be beneficial to reframe your thoughts around this psychoeducation and research. They may have commitment issues (i.e., avoidant attachment styles) that have been present long before your interactions with them.
3. Avoid the temptation to generalise future relationship outcomes.
It is important to recognise what I call ghosting trauma. Addressing ghosting trauma (or previous bad experiences) and having awareness not to engage in cognitive distortions such as generalising and all-or-nothing thinking. Sometimes cognitive mindset traps such as “all women/men are like this” simply gives more power in the ghosters control and can affect your approach to future relationships.
4. Use mindfulness and self-compassion to heal.
Self-compassion techniques can help acknowledge the hurt and grieve. This may differ depending on the length and frequency of interactions with the ghoster. For example, when the feelings come up, notice where you are feeling them in your body and instead of pushing them away or distracting yourself, say to yourself “this is a moment of suffering” and let the feelings pass. Also, realise that “everybody hurts” and you are not alone in your suffering, it is a part of common humanity.
5. Seek experiences with people that love and accept you for who you are.
Process feelings with your loved ones and perhaps a therapist. The nature of having your feelings and experiences validated, heard, and understood is the key to healing.
READ MORE: 10 Questions To Definitely Ask Before Dating Someone With Kids
6. Set boundaries.
Do not engage with the ghoster again, if possible. Most likely this is a pattern of behaviour for the ghoster (such as an avoidant attachment style). Rest assured you are probably not the first person (or the last) that this person has ghosted. Setting healthy boundaries for yourself is essential.
7. Understand emotional immaturity.
Remember healthy people have empathy and perspective-taking. The ability to have “hard conversations” is a testament to adult emotional maturity. Most of us do not like conflict and endings can be hard, while ghosting is an easy option but not an honourable one. Additionally, having both empathy and perspective-taking decreases the likelihood of ghosting, as many self-centred and emotionally immature individuals may engage in ghosting chronically.
8. Move on.
If you find yourself continuing to interact with people that suddenly disappear and then reappear, it may be time to look within. Those who had adverse childhood experiences and have been brought up in dysfunctional family environments may make excuses for their behaviour, minimise their own pain, and engage in co-dependent relationship dynamics. Emotional maturity is the ability to see and deal with reality for what it is.
