By Krissy Brady
Plus: how to stop the spiral that’s making our vaginas wilt…
Sex and relationships are hard enough. But ever get distracted mid-intercourse by judgemental thoughts… about yourself? I’m moving too fast. Good girls don’t have sex on the first date. He’s not going to respect me. These types of B.S. societal standards are enough to make any vagina wilt.
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Many women engage in this endless shame spiral because they don’t feel like it’s okay to be themselves sexually, says sexologist Dr Carol Queen. The act of getting busy leaves them feeling guilty, ashamed, even confused. And there’s nothing suckier than your sex life being snuffed out by lingering guilt.
So what’s a girl gotta do to break the cycle and enjoy a healthy (and hot) sex life? Any learned habit can be unlearned – your sexual hang-ups included. Here’s how to send them packing:
Look at sex differently
Become one with your feelings about sex and the reasons you think your perma-shame exists. “Some women come from families or communities where any sexual exploration or feeling is punished,” says Queen. “These tend to be cultures where ideas about sexuality and gender roles are rigid.” When you grow up in an uber-strict environment where feeling shame is par for the course, it’s pretty much a given that this feeling will follow you (into the bedroom) as an adult.
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Even if your parents weren’t super strict or religious, they may have had an underlaying discomfort with sex that rubbed off on you, says clinical sexologist Dr Dawn Michael. Maybe it was a topic they kept hush-hush so you felt you had to hide your sexual curiosity, or their unspoken negativity toward sex pressured you into a similar line of thinking.
“Reframing our idea of sex is important for moving towards having a healthy sex life,” says Michael. For every belief that’s making your sex life more difficult, create a new belief that you’d like to internalise instead. Any time your old beliefs start interrupting sexy time (“good girls don’t get horny”), repeat the new mantra you want to replace it with (“if I wasn’t supposed to get turned on, then I wouldn’t have been a given a clitoris”). Your sexual urges aren’t dirty: They’re human.
Take baby steps
Moving on from sexual shame isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s more like a muscle that you gradually strengthen over time. “One aspect of overcoming the shame or guilt is to give yourself permission to try something new and not feel bad about doing it,” says Michael. Choosing to try a new position or have sex with the lights on puts you in the driver’s seat, instead of your fears. And that is incredibly liberating.
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Be mindful
During sex, practice being present in the moment, says certified sex therapist Dr Kat Van Kirk. Focus on the physical sensations you’re experiencing instead of the intrusive thoughts that always interrupt. And remember: Just because a shameful or guilty thought bubbles to the surface, it doesn’t mean you have to act on it.
Expand your social circle
“Cultivate a social life that isn’t just the community from which you learned these ideas about sex in the first place,” says Queen. Surround yourself with friends who are as comfortable with their sexuality as you’d like to be. Then, use them as a sounding board when you need a dose of perspective. “They’ll help you understand that being a good, ethical person and being yourself sexually don’t have to mutually exclusive, adds Queen.
Talk to someone
“If you consistently find yourself becoming upset in response to sex or affection – or find yourself steering clear of intimacy completely – you may want to consider additional support from a professional,” says Van Kirk, especially if the shame you feel is putting a damper on your relationship. “Deeply seeded shame or guilt related to sex usually requires deeper therapeutic work,” she says.
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This article originally appeared on www.womenshealthmag.com
