Sex isn’t a racing track and you and your partner aren’t members of the Fast & Furious squad. So, in the bedroom, you shouldn’t go from zero to 100—or, holding hands to full-on penetration. Instead, you should always implement some foreplay ideas as a slow and steady on ramp to intimacy.
While many folks tend to focus on putting the pleasure pedal to the metal, some forms of foreplay deserve to be more than just drive-by pit stops—they can be the main event, says Lori Buckley. In fact, treating foreplay as more than just a prelude to intercourse comes with many benefits, according to Janet Brito.
For starters, foreplay can help foster emotional intimacy, as well as teach you about your body and pleasure preferences. So, before you rev up those engines, try some of the best foreplay ideas on this list.
1. Think outside the bedroom.
If your go-to foreplay routine involves a little kissing and touching—then goes right into wham, bam, thank you, ma’am—it’s time to mix it up. “Foreplay should definitely begin before you get into the bedroom to have sex,” says Buckley. She suggests getting frisky on the down-low with your S.O. when you’re out to dinner (hi, footsie), watching television in the living room and anywhere else you’re feeling the vibe.
2. Go on a date night.
“Having fun and doing things that are exciting with each other” can be a form of foreplay, says Ian Kerner.
That’s because when you’re stimulated by an external activity, like trying a new restaurant on a date, the hyped-up feeling you get can then be transferred into something else, which is called the excitation-transfer theory, Kerner says. As far as your sex life is concerned, that means anything from getting playfully competitive on the mini golf course to flirting at the farmer’s market all count as forms of foreplay.
3. Start your morning with foreplay.
Bacon, eggs and toast with a side of arousal, anyone? Foreplay can start in the a.m. and can go all day long through sexy little suggestions here and there, says Buckley. It can be as small as making a heart with whipped cream on your partner’s pancakes, or as risqué as hopping in the shower with them before work. (Just make sure to save the shower sex for the main event, if you can.)
Whatever you’re into, “you can have lots of moments of foreplay leading up to sex that happens later in the day,” explains Kerner. In fact, just knowing you’re not going to get it on for another 12 hours can ramp up the anticipation and make the foreplay feel even hotter.
4. Then, keep it going all day long.
Don’t let the early morning revving stop after breakfast—instead, keep that energy going throughout your day. If it’s the weekend, that can be as easy as touching hips or slapping their butt when you pass them in the kitchen. (Even playfully tossing your thongs at them while folding laundry will do.) Basically, “anything that creates anticipation and arousal is great,” Kerner says.
5. Text about your day.
Unless you and your partner both work from home and live together, odds are, you aren’t with them 24/7. If you both enjoy texting, go ahead and enjoy a midday check-in. Yup, this too counts as foreplay, as emotional care often acts as a spark for physical connection, says Rachel Wright. After all, many people find it tricky to get down and dirty with someone they don’t feel respected or valued by, she says.
A simple “thinking of you” or “good luck with that meeting” text will do the trick. But if you’re feeling chatty, you can also ask a question to spark a back-and-forth convo.
6. Then, text about more than your day.
It might sound obvious, but “the language of sex is a lot different than the language you commonly use in your relationship vocabulary,” says Kerner. Usually, when you’re going about your day and communicating back and forth, it’s in a very respectful, egalitarian way, he says. But if you are hoping to connect with your partner sexually and physically at the end of the day, “you may [want to] also jump into some language that’s very erotic or sexual,” he says.
No, this doesn’t mean you should bring up their genitals in the middle of a convo about groceries—instead, you can send a few words of affirmation about how sexy they look, or ask them about their workout to get you hot and bothered. Basically, whenever the opportunity to seduce your partner presents itself, seize it. And when it doesn’t? Create it.
7. Get sexty with it.
So, you texted about your day and maybe even got a little dirty. If you want to take things to the next level, sexting can be a *very* hot form of foreplay, says Buckley. Especially when it includes teasing someone on the other side of the screen.
To kick things off, let your partner know what you’re going to do to them when you see them—or hint at what you’d like them to do to you, Buckley suggests. Try something like: “It was so great the last time we _____. I loved it when you touched me in this way, or when you sucked on that.” You can head down the sweet and sensual route or go straight-up pornographic—the choice is yours.
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8. Spell it o-u-t.
This tip may seem a bit obvious, but it’s still pretty darn important to repeat. When you’re flirting or sexting with your partner, let them know exactly what you find attractive about them, advises Kerner. Even if you think they already know because of the whole wanting-to-have-sex-with-them thing, it never hurts to remind them how much their abs, ass, or even ambition turns you on.
9. Send a sexy pic.
Sure, dirty talk is hot, but a picture leaves a lot less to the imagination. Assuming your partner is someone you know and trust, why not send a little something to start setting the mood before they even get home?
“Exchanging erotic content and expressing erotic appreciation for one another throughout the day will help you each step into a comfortable and erotic space together later on,” says Carol Queen.
Just make sure that ahead of time, your partner consents to receiving an R-rated pic and agrees that any content you send is for their eyes and their eyes only.
10. Wear your fave lingerie.
Whether it’s lingerie, boyshorts, or even a suggestively-draped bathrobe, getting outfitted in something that makes you feel Hot with a capital H can put you in the mood and increase your own anticipation for what’s to come later, says Queen. Plus, if your partner knows you’re wearing one of your Sexy Time ‘fits, it’ll get their imagination (and blood) pumping, too.
In the event that you get dressed prior to your partner coming home, Queen suggests using the previous tip and sending a sexy selfie. (Again, as long as you’ve gotten consent to do so.)
11. Shower together.
Shower sex might not be for everyone (after all, it can be very slippery), but shower foreplay is another story. Lathering each other up with soap and water gives you an oh-so-fun excuse to get handsy, says Queen. Plus, the heat of the shower may even help wash away stress, as heat therapy has been linked with reduced stress and anxiety!
After, you might move into the bedroom and undo all that cleanliness. Or, you might keep the foreplay going by massaging body lotion into one another’s skin.
12. Play up the sexiness of not being able to have sex—yet.
When you know you can’t have sex, it becomes all the more arousing, says Buckley. So, crank your next date night up a notch—or ten—by teasing your partner when you’re at a cosy restaurant or low-lit bar. “Teasing is really important because when we can’t have what it is that we want, that creates desire,” she says. Your move: Whisper in your partner’s ear about what you’re looking forward to that night, nibble on their neck, or discreetly touch them wherever they’ll take notice.
13. Learn about—and lean into—responsive desire.
Despite what every rom-com may have you believing, sexual desire does not always strike like lightning (suddenly and seemingly out of nowhere). Dubbed spontaneous desire, this is only one way someone might become interested in sex, says Wright.
“Other people primarily experience responsive desire, which means they are turned on in response to external cues,” like physical touch from their partner or a sexy scene on television, Wright says. In fact, most of foreplay is about invoking responsive desire, because on the other side lies a greater interest in and enjoyment during sex, she adds.
Learning about the differences between spontaneous and responsive desire—as well as how normal and common responsive desire is—can be especially helpful for partners who want to connect intimately more often, Wright says.
14. Expand your overall definition of sex.
Traditionally, society has considered penis-in-vagina intercourse the end-all, be-all of sex. But actually, “sex can be any meaningful act of pleasure,” says Wright. “Internal and external hand stuff, nipple stimulation, oral play, dancing in the kitchen, massage, mutual masturbation and more can all count.”
By expanding your definition of sex, you can start thinking of the types of pleasure that are usually considered foreplay as not just pit stops, but also final destinations. “In many ways, the expansion helps remove the pressure to do one particular type of sex, and instead do whatever type(s) feel best to you in a given moment,” Wright says.
15. Schedule intimacy.
Go ahead and roll your eyes, but if you want to engage in foreplay, you have to make time for foreplay. (Seriously—treat it like a doctor’s appointment, cocktail hour, or dinner with friends.) People are often reluctant to put intimacy and sex on their calendars, but doing so “can help remind everyone involved that connecting in that way is important,” Wright says. Plus, it gives everyone time to anticipate and prep for the potential of hanky-panky.
16. Play a sexy Q&A game.
The last thing you want to think about when getting frisky is your errand list or a work project. Say you’re finally home from the office and your partner is in the mood to get it on. Rather than using sex itself to get you out of stressy, messy work mode, Kerner suggests adding in a middle step (or a few) to transition your mindset.
One option is to play a conversation game that puts sex, dating and intimacy at the forefront, says Queen.
17. Give each other a massage.
Another fun middle step to try? Massages. If stress is standing between you and your sexy mood, you’re not alone. In fact, research has found that stress, particularly work stress, is one of the most common impediments to sexy time. Giving one another a massage can be a great way to lower stress hormones, says Queen. Beyond helping you forget about your lingering to-dos, it also gives you a chance to explore one another’s bodies in a low-pressure environment. Pro tip: Use massage oil.
18. More specifically, give each other a sensual massage.
There ain’t nothing wrong with a standard foot massage on the couch in front of the television. But if you’re really committed to making foreplay an ~event~, Queen recommends incorporating a blindfold and massage candle. “The warm wax is super sensual,” and the heat can help you relax, she says. Plus, “by removing one sense, it ramps up the others,” adds Queen. “So, not being able to see the touch associated with the massage will make it feel even better.”
19. Read and listen to some sexy stuff together.
Since not being in the right headspace can be enough of a roadblock to arousal, Kerner suggests adding “psychological excitement” into your foreplay routine because stimulation starts with the brain, rather than the body.
There are tons of sexy ways to get your mind in on the action, rather than relying solely on physical touch. Some of his suggestions: Listening to an erotic podcast, watching porn together (btw, there’s audible porn now, too), reading erotica aloud to each other and even watching a movie you know has a solid sex scene or two, which brings me to…
20. Watch a sexy movie together.
Touch may be one of the five senses that people dial in on when they’re brainstorming foreplay ideas, but according to Queen, incorporating the others can be helpful, too. For instance, watching a sexy movie is one way you can stimulate your sight and sound. Pressing play on one of these flicks has the benefit of helping you de-stress after a busy day, she says, as well as setting the sexy mood (obvs).
As for which movie? That’s up to you! It could be something X-rated, if that’s your thing—but a standard R- or PG-13-rated flick with some solid sexual tension will do the trick, too. Love Lies Bleeding and Anyone But You are two recent releases you might consider.
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21. Use a vibrator.
To add a buzzy boost into your pre-play, Kerner recommends using a vibrator on your partner’s nipples and around (but not yet on) their genitals. This can help build anticipation and increase blood flow to the area, which supports the arousal process, he says. Ditto goes for using it on thighs, ears, chest and more.
22. Try non-vibrating toys, too.
PSA: Not all pleasure aids vibrate! And because non-vibrating toys are unfamiliar to most, they’re a great option for elevating initial arousal and infusing the scene with excitement, says Queen. If you enjoy nipple stimulation, using nipple clamps and/or suction toys is a great way to stimulate non-genital erogenous zones. Another option is a sensory toy like furry mitts, fingertips scratchers and Wartenberg wheels, she adds. Impact and bondage toys are also fun to try, says Queen.
23. Lean on lube.
Hopefully by now, you know that lube should be your bedroom bestie anytime penetration is on the table. After all, it can help eliminate the discomfort from too much skin-on-skin friction and replace it with a feel-good slide and glide, says Queen. Lubricant can also be used during non-penetrative acts, such as massages, external genital touching and nipple stimulation, she says.
Beyond feeling good, the ~wet and wild~ look of lube can be visually (and auditorily) appealing to the lovers involved, says Queen, as it resembles body-made wetness, such as a pre-cum, vaginal lubrication, ejaculation and spit.
24. Heat things up—literally.
One way to get hot-hot-hot is to try out some temperature play, says Queen. Whether it be by dripping hot wax along your partner’s belly or abdomen, using a warming lubricant, or adding in a preheating sex toy, the sensation of heat can stimulate your nerve endings differently than room temp touch can, she explains.
“Anything that applies heat or warmth to the skin will cause vasodilation, which is the widening of blood vessels to promote increased blood flow,” Holly Richmond previously told WH. “The benefit of increased blood flow is increased sensation, and with increased sensation, there’s the possibility of an even stronger orgasm.” The more you know!
25. Try some roleplay.
Further along in your relationship? Kerner suggests sharing your fantasies, like roleplay and then incorporating them into your foreplay sesh. If you’re feeling particularly creative, Queen suggests getting dolled up as someone else and linking up for the evening in public. Perhaps one of you is on a business trip and the other is a bar regular, or maybe one of you is the boss and the other is the assistant meeting for an ambiguously-coded celebration drink.
Fear not, you don’t need to be a professional actor to try roleplaying. If you’re unsure where to begin, though, simply recreate something you’re more familiar with, like the day you met or your wedding night.
25. Start solo.
Just because you plan to end the night with a shag doesn’t mean you have to wait to get revved up for it. “One foreplay idea is to spend a little time by yourself building overall arousal before meeting up with your partner(s), such as by masturbating, using a sex toy, or focusing on a fantasy,” says Justin Lehmiller. “This can help you to be ready to go and in the right headspace when partnered activity begins.
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27. Breathe deeply.
Stress, after all, is one of the most common arousal obstacles, so naturally, breathing slowly in and out can help you get in the mood for intercourse, says Lehmiller. “Relaxation is a key—but often overlooked—aspect of foreplay, because getting rid of stress can help open the door for arousal,” he says. Doing something like deep breathing, which helps you both de-stress and lighten the mood, can help sex feel more accessible, he says.
28. Enjoy outercourse for as long as possible.
“Foreplay is all about the process,” says Brito. “It’s the journey and the journey is everything.” One of the best ways to take your time with the journey, rather than bee-lining right to the destination? Make a game out of it, suggests Kerner. See how long you can handle pure outercourse, or what’s traditionally called “everything but.”
29. Be flexible.
Maybe it’s been a minute since you’ve connected intimately with your partner. Maybe you’ve been fantasising ~big time~ about one particular sex act. Or, maybe you just have specific pleasure preferences. Regardless, “it’s important not to pressure each other to have a specific type of experience,” says Brito.
Otherwise, doing so can put undue pressure on the entire sexperience that ultimately takes it from loving to laborious. (Plus, you may not fully have their consent for a certain act.) Brito’s suggestion: Take things as they come. Remember that if one particular sex act doesn’t happen (or work) this time around, you can always try it again in the future.
30. Keep the foreplay coming.
Newsflash, people: Not only can you start foreplay anytime and anywhere, but you technically never have to stop—even if it leads to vaginal or anal intercourse for a bit. Rather than considering intercourse a sexual point of no return, Buckley suggests enjoying sex for a little while…but then stopping, flipping and reversing it Missy Elliot-style back to foreplay. (Depending on the particular genital make-up and refractory periods of the people involved, that usually means stopping before either person has a big O, she notes.)
“There’s something really erotic and exciting about extending the sexual experience,” Buckley explains. And oscillating back and forth between intercourse and outercourse, or penetrative play and other types of pleasure can do just that, she says.
31. Explore edging.
Ever heard of edging? Just in case you haven’t, it’s when you bring yourself just to the edge of orgasm (get it?) before backing off, explains Queen. You do it as many times as you can stand—and then, when those fireworks do go off, the climax is *that* much more intense.
While it is most common for peeps to explore edging in the context of intercourse, it is absolutely (!) something that you can do during other sex acts. “Trying to edge yourself or your partner during hand and mouth stuff, for example, intensifies the pleasure of that orgasm while also extending how much time you spend doing sex acts that aren’t intercourse,” Queen says.
32. Keep it above the waist.
If you and your partner(s) tend to enjoy going from zero to genitals, all the power to you. But if so, it might be time to add a little pit stop on your way to Pleasureville. “A lot of women complain that their partners move too quickly into direct clitoral stimulation, and sometimes that can tickle or even hurt if they’re not that aroused,” says Kerner.
On the flip side, it can also be less than ideal if one’s partner goes from “hello” right to intercourse, which doesn’t give enough time for blood to flow to your bits (an essential step in self-lubricating!). So, letting the arousal simmer by keeping it strictly above the waist—kissing, touching, nibbling on necks and dirty talking—rather than heading straight for the goods, makes the eventual arrival even sweeter, he says.
33. Share your fantasies.
The more you and your partner add foreplay into your everyday life, the easier it’ll be to share your wildest sexual fantasies, says Brito. And to be clear: You do need to speak up and share them, before just trying something new. After all, you need to ensure your partner consents to and wants to do something before you stick a finger in their butt, suck their tootsies, or try a threesome, she says.
Here’s what you can say: “Hi, can I tell you about a fantasy I’ve been having that I might like to try in person?” or “Do you want to hear something I think could be really hot to try together?” (The more detailed, the better!) But if you’re a little shy about these things, Kerner suggests broaching the subject by telling your partner you had a sexy dream or fantasy about them, suggests Kerner. This way, you make your desires known without putting yourself or your partner on the spot, he says. (That’s also something you can sext, btw.)
34. Make a list.
Rather than doing one of the foreplay ideas on these lists, Queen recommends spending a night making your own list of foreplay ideas. “You can either write the list together as a date night activity,” she says. “But you can also make individual lists and then share them as a way to learn what you each like.” Trust me, this activity will have you both fantasising about every little thing you want to try down the line.
35. Compliment them.
To be clear: Your partner doesn’t owe you sex because you gave them a (genuine) compliment—nor does it usually count as foreplay. But, expressing gratitude can qualify as a long-term investment in the overall intimacy and longevity of your relationship.
Why? Because these small acts of love add up over time. “It feels good to receive compliments from your partner because it helps us feel seen, affirmed and appreciated,” says Queen. “If you don’t feel those things with your partner, it is going to be more difficult to stay open to them physically and sexually, especially when you have been together a while.”
36. Take penetrative sex off the table completely.
It might sound counter-intuitive, but one way to ensure your night with your lover is packed with pleasure is to remove sex (or certain kinds of sex) from the menu entirely, according to Queen. “Many people get uptight about sex,” she says, especially when they feel like there’s an expectation or pressure on them to have it.
If you (or your partner) fall into this camp, Queen suggests proposing an intimacy-forward, but sex-free night. Doing so can relieve any perceived pressure to have sex, which can make for a more relaxed environment where other kinds of intimacy can blossom, she explains.
The exact types of touch and non-penetrative play you both choose to incorporate once penetrative sex is off the table will depend on your specific pleasure preferences and wants. So, while your exact proposal will vary based on what you’re craving, you might say something like:
- “I’d love to reconnect with you tonight, but I’m just not in the mood for sex. Would you be open to a night where all we do is cuddle and kiss?”
- “Baby, I love connecting with you physically, but I’m just not feeling in the mood for penetrative intercourse tonight. How would you feel about a night where we prioritise other kinds of sex, instead?”
37. Have a phone-free night.
To tap into pleasure, even the best multitasker has to unplug. Freeing up your hands isn’t the only reason to put away your phone, however. Giving your attention to your screen rather than your S.O. can lead a partner to feeling neglected—especially during pre-planned date nights or quality times, says Wright. It can also invoke feelings of inadequacy, nervousness and frustration, none of which are conducive to sexy time.
“Leaving your phone in another room can help remind everyone to actually spend time with one another,” she says. Certainly, quality time is more likely to lead to intimacy than double-tapping.
38. Enjoy the ride.
At this point, you’re probably convinced that foreplay is the best thing to happen to your sex life since whipped cream, right? So, make sure to take the time to enjoy it—from the second you wake up to your last satisfied sigh before sleep. The more you can do that, the more you will have the tools you need to hone your foreplay skills and seduce your partner, says Buckley. Couples who master the art of foreplay “will inevitably have sex more often,” she adds.
And while fooling around on the reg doesn’t automatically mean you’ll live happily ever after, “when foreplay is done with intention,” says Brito, “it’s likely to enhance a romantic relationship tenfold.”
Meet the Experts:
- Lori Buckley, PsyD, is a licensed psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist in Pasadena, California.
- Janet Brito, PhD, is a nationally- and AASECT-certified sex therapist and the founder of the Sexual Health School in Honolulu, Hawaii.
- Ian Kerner, PhD, LMFT, is a certified couples and sex therapist based in New York and the author of She Comes First.
- Rachel Wright, LMFT, is a New York-based licensed psychotherapist and host of The Wright Conversations podcast.
- Carol Queen, PhD, is a sex educator, the staff sexologist and historian at Good Vibes and author of The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.
- Holly Richmond, PhD, LMFT, is a somatic psychologist, certified sex therapist and author of Reclaiming Pleasure: A Sex-Positive Guide for Moving Past Sexual Trauma and Living a Passionate Life.
- Justin Lehmiller, PhD, is a social psychologist, research fellow at The Kinsey Institute and author of Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life.
This article written by Lindsay Geller and Gabrielle Kassel first appeared on Women’s Health US.
