This Is Why Too Many Dating Choices Can Leave You Lonely

by | Nov 1, 2022 | Relationships

We know how disappointing flicking through profile after profile on Tinder can be: whether you swipe left or right, there never seems to be a match that feels quite right. It’s no wonder, then, that you may be left thinking that the sheer amount of options might mean that too many dating choices could leave you lonely. One study, published in the British journal Biology Letters, sought to figure out if our niggling suspicion could be right. Instead of swiping through a dating app, participants were met with real-life people.

Speed-daters race through a rota of one-on-one meetings, judging each person for suitability after a conversation of a few minutes that ends when a bell sounds. Assessing large numbers of candidates was not a problem in itself, the researchers found. In fact, many speed-daters found more potential partners when they were able to cast their net into a larger pool. But this advantage only worked when the available candidates were all broadly similar. When candidates were too dissimilar, speed-daters became confused by many conflicting factors – and often failed to choose anyone.

Too many dating choices lead to confusion

“There are models of human ‘rationality’ which posit that variety is a good thing,” said researcher Alison Lenton at the University of Edinburgh in Scotland. “What will be surprising to some people is that our results suggest that increasing option variety leads to chooser confusion. People are more likely to choose no one at all when faced with greater variety.” Kind of like clicking through Netflix, only to end up napping instead.

The study tracked 1,868 female and 1,870 male participants at 84 commercial speed-dating events. Hopeful singles gave details of their occupation, education level, age, height, weight and religious affiliation, allowing researchers to gauge differences. The women’s mean age was 34.3 years and the men were aged 35.6. Twenty per cent of women and 27 per cent of men were in professional or managerial positions, and the remainder classified themselves as “skilled non-manual” or other occupations. Speed-daters met in groups and engaged in three-minute encounters with between 15 and 31 singles of the opposite sex.

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Speed-daters studied

After the event, the organiser matched up with individuals who indicated a mutual interest in each other, thus opening the way to a possible date. Big speed-dating events typically generated 123 such “proposals,” or shows of interest, when candidates were similar, the researchers found. But the number dropped by more than a quarter, to 88, when candidates were varied. Small speed-dating events would lead to 85 proposals when candidates were similar. But this fell by nearly a third, to 57 proposals when candidates were varied. Men were generally keener than women in formulating a proposal – but were also likelier to be stumped by choice. In short, variety is fine… but in manageable doses.

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People know what they want

“Dealing with variety requires attention and memory, and we have only so much capacity for each,” Lenton explained. Extending encounters by 10 minutes might not greatly change results, she added.”It is extremely common for us to make quick judgments about other people, even in a matter of seconds. And once those judgments are formed, they can be difficult to change.”

Amber Soletti, who runs a speed-dating company in New York, said grouping singles by interest or physical preferences boosted the chances of a successful connection. Her company,, offers 75 niche groups, such as “Asian Persuasion,” “Fitness Singles” and “Worldly Singles” who like to travel. Soletti started the company after failing to find anyone of interest at general speed-dating events. “I only like to date men 6-foot-1 (1.85 metres) and taller. I always went to single events that had shorter men, so I didn’t find anyone,” she said by phone. But now, “If I go to our tall event, I have a better chance of meeting someone,” she said.

To reap the benefits yourself, set up your dating profile with your specific interests right on top so that prospective dates can suss out your vibe faster. And ask questions to your dates to figure out what they’re into, too.

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