Picture this: Your partner is thrusting into you and hitting alllll the right places. You’re seconds away from coming when all of a sudden… they stop, leaving you wanting. Oddly enough, though, you don’t feel unsatisfied. While the goal of sex is often orgasm, sometimes the build-up towards it—or even complete denial—is more pleasurable.
Put simply, orgasm denial means denying someone the opportunity to reach the big O. It often involves “bringing yourself, or your partner, to the point of orgasm and then backing off before they climax,” says sex therapist Stefani Goerlich, PhD, CST.
Orgasm denial involves a kind of power exchange that is common in dominant/submissive (D/s) play, a mutually agreed-upon and consensual power dynamic in BDSM. It may be used by a dominant partner as a sort of punishment or to tease the submissive partner during a scene, says Gloria Brame, PhD, a sexologist and BDSM expert. “Alternatively, orgasm denial can be a long-term decision not to climax in specific situations or at all,” adds Goerlich. “In a D/s or other power exchange dynamic, this might mean that the submissive can only orgasm when they are given permission to do so by their dominant.”
Meet the Experts:
- Gloria Brame, PhD, is a certified sexologist, sex therapist, BDSM expert and author of Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission.
- Stefani Goerlich, PhD, CST, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist and author of the upcoming book With Sprinkles on Top: Everything Vanilla People and Their Kinky Partners Need to Know to Communicate, Explore and Connect.
- Carol Queen, PhD, is a sex-positive activist, educator and the staff sexologist at Good Vibes. She’s an award-winning author of numerous books, including Exhibitionism for the Shy: Show Off, Dress Up and Talk Hot!
Nevertheless, the goal of orgasm denial is the same: to heighten intimacy and desire. “The idea is that the more sexual tension you build up, the greater the ultimate orgasm will be,” says Brame.
Intrigued? Ahead, sex and kink experts explain how orgasm denial can enhance pleasure and offer some beginner-friendly tips for introducing it into your play.
What is the difference between orgasm denial and edging?
At first thought, it may seem like orgasm denial and edging are the same exact thing. But while the two forms of power play hold many similarities, they differ in a major way.
“When you’re edging yourself or a partner, you know that eventually you’re going to allow that orgasm to happen,” Goerlich says. “With orgasm denial, that final climax is off-limits.”
Often in the context of edging, there’s no notion that you’re not allowed to climax, adds Carol Queen, PhD, staff sexologist at Good Vibes. You’re just waiting a bit longer to reach the big O in order to stretch out that experience. “Getting right up to the edge of orgasm [before eventually coming] is what edging is named for,” she says.
While both orgasm denial and edging are meant to intensify the pleasurable release of finally having that orgasm, during orgasm denial “you’re preparing the body not to come, while edging almost always ends with an orgasm,” says Brame. Like edging, orgasm denial means taking yourself or your partner to a certain point, then pulling away—but unlike edging, you might not allow yourself or them to come for 24 hours to three days or even a week, Brame explains.
TL;DR: Climax is virtually guaranteed in edging (eventually), but those “almost there” moments will be the most heightened sensations someone obtains during orgasm denial, says Goerlich.
How can orgasm denial increase pleasure?
There are many ways in which orgasm denial might intensify a sexual experience, or even the orgasm itself. Ahead, the experts outline of few reasons why this power play tool is worth trying out:
1. It can build up sexual tension.
Think about the last time your vibrator died on you just as you were about to hit the big O and just how sexually frustrated and horny you were left feeling. Yeah, that’s the level of sexual anticipation that orgasm denial can muster out of you. (It’s much more satisfying when it’s planned, of course.)
When you’re about to reach climax and then you don’t, the desire for sex intensifies, explains Brame. “By arousing your partner and then not providing that relief, you make them crave it even more than the first time around,” she explains. “By the second or third day, they’re dying for [an orgasm].”
They might be lubricating a lot more, wet all the time, or throbbing in their genital area, Brame adds. Essentially, you’re driving yourself or your partner delirious, so the next time you play, they’re hungering for you and the sex—making the experience that much more gratifying.
2. It makes sex last longer.
The technique of orgasm denial actually originates from tantric sexuality—and one of tantra’s biggest teachings is “how to extend your passion and keep the fire burning for a long time,” says Brame.
For many people, once they’ve had the release of climax, they don’t feel as easily aroused or sexually excited, Brame notes. And “by engaging in a systematic ‘edging’ process where you bring yourself close to orgasm, then stop and let your body calm down a bit before resuming, you can actually build a greater endurance that ultimately lets you last longer during sex,” explains Goerlich.
3. It may intensify your orgasms.
“There’s a physiological reason taking a longer time for orgasm is a good idea in terms of the strength of the orgasm,” says Queen. If you think of the big O as a build-up followed by a release (“a sneeze, only better”), then having the build-up last longer can make the final climax even greater, Queen says.
In a similar vein, “our bodies can become accustomed to sensation, which makes anything (a specific taste, smell, or physical response) duller over time,” Goerlich says. “Think about the first few bites of a decadent dessert compared to the last couple when your taste buds are overwhelmed and you just want to be done. The same is true with our bodies.” In other words, taking a break from orgasming, whether for a few hours or a few days, can help increase their intensity when you’re finally allowed to climax, according to Goerlich. The more you know, the bigger your O!
What are the different forms of orgasm denial?
Orgasm denial doesn’t only describe pulling away at the last second during vaginal penetration, fingering, or even oral sex—although these are all great options. You can practice orgasm denial solo and even heighten the experience by incorporating certain gadgets. These are just a few forms of orgasm denial you can experiment with, according to the experts:
1. Teasing
Teasing during partnered play is perhaps the simplest point of entry into orgasm denial. It involves one partner getting the other to the point of orgasm with their mouth or another body part and then withdrawing just as they’re about to climax, says Queen.
In a dominant/submissive relationship or scene, this might involve the dominant partner ordering the submissive not to come and/or saying something along the lines of: “If you’re a good girl, you can come. But if you’re not, you can’t come,” Queen explains.
2. Solo Play
Yes, you can (and, uh, should) deny yourself an orgasm during masturbation. Here’s the gist: Pleasure yourself with your hands or a toy and, just when you’re about to reach the big O, pull your hands or the toy away from your body.
In a D/s relationship, the submissive may even be under the will of their dominant during solo sessions, says Queen. “As a sort of ‘funishment,’ if my submissive breaks a rule or fails to complete a task I’ve assigned, I could tell them to bring themselves to the edge of climax 12 times with a vibrator, but then turn it off before they orgasm each time,” says Goerlich.
3. Device-assisted
In some cases, you or your partner might want to bring in a chastity device, such as a cock cage, which can amp up the intensity of play, especially if an orgasm is being denied for a longer period of time. “A cock cage might go on during a dominant/submissive scene where the penis-having partner is not allowed to come or ejaculate during play,” says Queen. “The dominant may then decide over the course of the scene if or when the cage will come off.”
During prolonged play, a dominant may even say, “I’m going to be gone all weekend. I’m going to put this cage on you and I’m going to leave it on until I get back,” explains Queen. Similarly, in a 24/7 dominant/submissive relationship, the submissive partner may sport a chastity device long term to prevent them from masturbating when they’re dominant is not around, only enjoying the pleasure of sex and orgasm when they’re released from the device by their partner, says Goerlich.
How do I practice orgasm denial?
Curious about trying orgasm denial yourself, but unsure where to start? Ahead, the experts outline a few steps for introducing this form of power play into the bedroom:
1. Have an exploratory conversation.
“In general, if you want to introduce something new, the best thing to do is to talk about it,” says Queen.
Ideally, this convo should happen when you’re not in bed and when you have your clothes on. “Sex should be a mutually pleasurable, enthusiastically consensual activity, so never spring a new idea on your partner in the intimate moment,” Goerlich adds.
To initiate the conversation, simply say something along the lines of: “Hey, I’ve got this fantasy that I would like to try. Can we talk about it?” While having the talk, be sure to point out what about orgasm denial appeals to you, what turns you on about it and then find a common understanding around what you and your partner both want, says Goerlich. Are you both open to teasing? How about bringing in chastity devices? How long do you both feel comfortable denying an orgasm for?
2. Consider educating yourself on D/s dynamics.
While the practice of orgasm denial is not exclusive to dominant/submissive relationships and scenes, it’s worth acquainting yourself with BDSM and those roles, says Queen. If you want to engage in power play, at times that requires you or your partner getting comfortable being dominant or submissive, Queen explains. So consider taking a class organised by your local kink organisation or community and reading books on BDSM and those dynamics, Queen suggests.
3. Negotiate boundaries.
Before engaging in any sort of kink or power play, you always want to negotiate boundaries. Why? Sex works best when both parties share the same level of enthusiasm and eagerness to try and explore a new type of play, says Brame: “This is why BDSMers are really big on informed consent and negotiating limits.”
Some questions to ask, per Brame: Is it okay if I make you wait until tomorrow to come? Do you think you could go for a whole week? It doesn’t have to be a terribly deep talk, but there at least needs to be a sort of consensus on what’s okay and what’s stepping out of bonds, says Brame. Oh and don’t forget about choosing a safe word, so you’re able to communicate when things are becoming overwhelming and you would like to pause or stop completely!
4. Start slow.
When first experimenting with orgasm denial, ease into it rather than jumping into the deep end, suggests Goerlich. “Experiment for short periods of time—20 to 30 minutes—before ending with climax,” she says.
When nearing orgasm, you might consider implementing a countdown method, says Queen. In this case, the dominant partner informs the submissive: “I’m going to count down and you’re going to have an orgasm.” Start from 20 and count down slowly, Queen suggests. In addition to being a practical way to signal that a big O is in order, counting down also adds another layer of excitement and stimulation, says Queen.
Oh and another tip: Before investing in a more complex, advanced toy such as a cock cage, try teasing your partner with a vibrator. “Using a vibrator is a really ideal way to play around with [orgasm denial] together as well as solo because you can just lift the vibrator away from the body,” Queen says.
5. Leverage natural times of separation.
“If one of you has a business trip or a girls’ weekend, make a commitment to each other not to masturbate or otherwise climax during the time that you’re apart,” Goerlich suggests. “I promise, it will take homecoming sex to the next level!”
When you do finally get together, let the absence of orgasm build a bit longer by whispering sexy sweet nothings to each other, offering light touches or caresses, and engaging in pleasurable self-touch before coming together, says Goerlich. Then, see what happens when you’re finally allowed to orgasm again. Good things come to those who wait if you know what I mean (wink, wink).
How do I practice aftercare after orgasm denial?
After you’ve successfully denied an orgasm, it’s time for aftercare, especially if you’re experimenting with dominant/submissive power play. Coming down from the euphoria of a sexual experience can feel like coming down from a party drug and “the more intense the experience, the more aftercare you’re going to need to provide,” says Brame.
Aftercare is important because it “re-establishes that you are out of the scene, that your roles have returned to ‘normal,’ and it helps the partners ‘come down’ from the scene and establish care and intimacy,” says Queen.
Sub drop
It’s worth noting that “sub drop,” a.k.a the physical and emotional lows a submissive might experience after intense BDSM play, isn’t something you can necessarily avoid, says Goerlich. “It’s an inevitable part of the physiological response to power exchange and intense intimate scenes as well as the logical outcome of getting into ‘subspace’–that floaty, trusting, slightly dissociative place that many kinksters enjoy,” Goerlich explains.
While you may not be able to avoid “sub drop,” you do want to respond to it. Have a soft, warm blanket, cool glass of water and a lightly sweet snack on the bedside table before playing with any kind of power exchange, Goerlich suggests. “These often meet the immediate physical needs of someone coming out of subspace—extra warmth, rehydration and regulating the blood sugar.” From there, you might engage in cuddles, offer positive affirmations and verbally check in to see how the experience went for the both of you, says Queen.
But aftercare doesn’t end right after sex, be sure to check in after a day or two, when you’re both out of “scene space,” says Queen. “This might involve telling each other how the scene went and thinking about what you would like to do differently next time.” If you both enjoyed trying orgasm denial, maybe you try to go O-less even longer…
This article by Naydeline Mejia was first published on womenshealthmag.com.
