You’re on a first date at a cosy restaurant and, for once, it’s actually not awkward. You’re laughing at each other’s jokes; you’re sharing an app; you’re feeling super comfortable the more you chat. It’s all fun and flirtation until your date mentions a childhood memory of theirs, which triggers a painful memory for you. Because the date is going so well and you feel at ease, you think, “What’s the worst that could happen if I share this traumatic event?”
Then, the worst *does* happen: Their body language shifts, and an awkward silence ensues – they become obviously uncomfortable. You don’t know what you just did, but you know it wasn’t good.
Turns out, there’s a term for sharing too much too soon: “floodlighting.” Coined by professor and author of The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections and Courage Brené Brown, it’s basically when someone overshares prematurely in a relationship, whether knowingly or not, to bypass the time and energy needed to develop actual emotional intimacy. You can think of floodlighting as the love child of two other toxic dating trends: trauma dumping (word-vomiting vulnerability on an unsuspecting audience) and love bombing (bestowing lavish gifts and grand gestures upon a new love interest so they’ll quickly fall for you).
When someone floodlights another person, it can seem like they’re simply being vulnerable. And hey, what’s wrong with that? Well, “unlike genuine vulnerability, which unfolds gradually through time, emotional floodlighting resembles purpose-driven emotional oversharing,” says Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, neuropsychologist and founder of Comprehend the Mind, a New York’s leader in neuropsychological assessments. That drive, she explains, can be as innocent as a trauma response, such as anxiety, or as nefarious as emotional manipulation.
What’s Fuelling The Floodlighting Trend
It’s natural to want to vet the emotional “agility” of someone you’re dating, especially if you’re looking for a long-term partner whom you can lean on during life’s ups and downs. But floodlighting tries to do this by taking the 2 Fast 2 Furious route.
“The person who discloses too much information could be testing the other person to see if they can handle some of the different traumas or different experiences they’ve experienced – almost to an extent of manipulation – that leads to control over the conversation,” says Kayanan. Whether they’re using that control to dominate the conversation or judge how well you handle their emotions, the floodlighting forces you, the listener, to take on the therapist role for a person you have just met.
Plus, it can be emotionally invasive to try to force a connection with someone who may not be equipped to handle certain traumatic information – or at least, not right away. “The person who is [floodlighting] may be putting the other in the position of feeling as if they need to respond, even though they may not be ready to,” says Marisa T. Cohen, PhD, LMFT, a relationship scientist, sex therapist, and the founder of Embracing Change Marriage and Family Therapy. “Intimacy requires reciprocity, and vulnerability takes time.”
It’s Not Always Intentional
But not all floodlighters act with ulterior motives. In fact, many people might not even know they’re doing anything wrong. “[The floodlighter] may be engaging in this form of communication as they feel a sense of security in the relationship and may genuinely want to establish a deep connection with the other person,” says Cohen. “Their intention may just be, ‘I feel safe with you. I want to connect with you by sharing this important information about me and my past.’”
In the digital age, it’s become commonplace to overshare online for an audience of hundreds or thousands of followers. Because these posts tend to garner validation and sympathy in the reply section, why wouldn’t you expect the same response in real life? But you’re not privy to the reactions of all your followers – and it’s likely that many people think that some information would be best kept between you and a therapist.
READ MORE: How To Stop Taking Ghosting Personally
Fight Or Flight Response
Floodlighting can also be an anxiety response, says Kayanan, rooted in the fear of how they’ll be perceived by their date. A floodlighter might use this tactic to put forth a sympathetic narrative and reel the other person in quickly because they’re nervous their date will find out difficult or dubious information about them later. It’s the performative, rather than substantive, nature of these actions, says Kayanan, that signals the relationship might be taking a wrong turn.
It could also be a trauma response, says Hafeez, because “casual conversations often unexpectedly lead back to your previous emotional wounds and life difficulties.” For example, your date may bring up their favourite vacation memory, which triggers your PTSD, and you bring up a traumatic event that prevented you from travelling or a negative memory you have associated with the place your date visited. Oversharing becomes an unconscious defence mechanism to soothe negative feelings and maintain nervous system balance, she explains. Essentially, floodlighting is a way to gain control over your emotions.
READ MORE: Relationship Anxiety: What Causes It And When You Really Need To Worry
A Sense Of Security
Floodlighting might also be a way to protect yourself from genuine emotional intimacy, according to Brené Brown, which can often happen when you’ve felt dismissed in the past or are otherwise responding to a false belief about yourself. Say your last partner dumped you, and you now have a fear of abandonment. If you share that deep fear early on, and your date gets overwhelmed and decides not to pursue things further, you’re subconsciously confirming your own internal bias. This false sense of security can skew the emotional connection over time, says Hafeez, because, rather than creating an emotional connection with your date, you’re seeking to validate a subconscious fear about yourself.
Whether done intentionally or not, floodlighting can lead to dating disaster – that is, until now. Ahead, relationship experts share how to spot the signs of floodlighting, what to do if you get caught in the floodlights, and healthy alternatives to toxic oversharing.
How To Spot The Signs Of Floodlighting
1. You confuse oversharing at the beginning of a relationship with a sincere emotional connection.
When you have chemistry with someone, it can be easy to get swept away with sharing your interests, values and life goals. Naturally, you’d want to test the emotional waters – but that’s where it can get rough. For example, your date casually mentions their family dynamics, but that’s a touchy subject for you, due to an estranged relationship.
In an effort to connect, you might feel the urge to share your whole family history, but unloading that much personal information on your date may make them feel emotionally drained before they’re even emotionally invested. Or, they may be obligated to share their own experiences to help you feel more comfortable, not necessarily because they genuinely feel an emotional connection.
2. The person you’re sharing with gets uncomfortable.
It’s not always easy to tell when someone is getting uncomfortable, especially if they’re trying to avoid making you feel uncomfortable, but there tend to be some specific indications of unease. For example, if they’re turning their body away from you, avoiding eye contact, fidgeting, or changing the subject, those are all likely signs that they’re not feeling up for the current topic.
If you ignore these cues, then you’re probably crossing the line from sharing into floodlighting. Even if you don’t feel like you’ve overstepped, it’s a good idea to switch up the direction of the conversation.
3. You share private details about your past relationships or traumatic childhood events.
Sharing why the most recent relationship didn’t work out can be a topical date convo, but it should be the length of an elevator pitch – about 30 seconds – not a long, drawn-out explanation detailing every way your ex wronged you. Not only will divulging all this emotional trauma early on overwhelm the other person, but you may also (inadvertently or intentionally) put pressure on them to exceed your expectations or “save” you from your past in the process, Hafeez says.
Remember, you barely know this person, so it’s not your date’s responsibility to make up for someone else’s bad behaviour or take on the role of a therapist and help you process years of pain. (FYI: This isn’t a long-term partner’s job, either – it is literally only the job of a licensed mental healthcare professional!)
4. You disrespect the other person’s boundaries.
Typically, the floodlighter doesn’t give the other person room to respond and redirect the conversation to a lighter topic, or they pressure them to open up to the same degree that they just did, says Hafeez. Either way, “their behaviour suggests they want to accelerate the relationship beyond what you find comfortable,” she explains.
This can be a nefarious form of floodlighting because it sends a clear signal that they are prioritising what they want to get out of the convo, even if it means crossing another person’s boundaries (which probably took some work and courage to establish in the first place!). This can set the stage for an unhealthy relationship dynamic before it even gets a chance to blossom.
How To Stop Floodlighting In Its Tracks
When a casual convo starts to feel too heavy, you have every right to redirect toward a lighter topic – and you can do so without seeming insensitive. Use ‘I’ language, such as “I understand this topic has deeply affected you, but I feel uncomfortable having this conversation right now. Could we revisit it another time?”
By addressing what both parties may be feeling in that moment, you’re effectively creating distance from the heavy conversation, as well as establishing a clear boundary, says Kayanan. But you’re also not shutting down your date full-stop – the door is still open to resume this conversation at a later point when you have naturally built up the emotional intimacy necessary to support this person.
Okay but… what if you realise your long-term partner has been floodlighting you for some time? “Initially, their emotional sharing seemed to indicate a close connection, yet eventually, it led to an unequal relationship where your needs became neglected,” says Hafeez.
Now that you’re no longer blinded by the floodlight, it’s time to speak up, says Cohen, and you can use the same ‘I’ statement tactic as above. Why it works: By keeping the focus on your feelings, rather than assigning blame, “this can point out the behaviour and highlight why it is making you uncomfortable,” says Cohen.
READ MORE: 7 Tips On How To Rekindle A Relationship, According To A Psychologist
Set Boundaries
Once your partner understands where you’re coming from, you can start setting new boundaries with them, so they don’t feel emotionally drained. “Therapy – individually or together – can also help,” says Hafeez. “Discovering floodlighting means you’re progressing to create a balanced and healthy relationship.”
That’s the best-case scenario, but there is also the possibility that your partner is unwilling to accept your new boundaries or continues to ignore them. “Now that you’re seeing the pattern, it’s okay to step back and ask: Is emotional safety and support present in this relationship for me?” says Hafeez. Only you can decide how much you’re willing to look past, however, if you constantly feel unheard or as if your emotional needs don’t matter, it could be time to end the relationship.
READ MORE: 157 Best Relationship Questions To Ask Your Partner, According To Couples Therapists
Healthier Alternatives To Floodlighting
The most obvious – and simplest – alternative to floodlighting is emotional pacing, a.k.a. gradually disclosing information as time goes on, says Kayanan. “When you’re talking with a person, you display or disclose a small amount of information at a time and you gauge the person’s reaction,” she explains. Think of it like dropping emotional breadcrumbs that lead the other person to want to learn more about you (not to be confused with breadcrumbing, yet another toxic dating trend). Maybe they ask follow-up questions that allow you to fill in the gaps over time, Kayanan says. That can help ensure each convo is more of a give and take than a dump and deal with it.
Another option: Instead of rushing full steam ahead into sensitive topics, you can check in with your date to see how deep they’re comfortable getting with a new person, says Cohen. Say something like, “That reminds me of something pretty heavy I experienced, but I’m not sure we’re there yet.” This way, you’re acknowledging that you have more to share while giving the other person an opportunity to carry on the conversation or put a pin in it.
To borrow a bit of dating wisdom from William Shakespeare: “The course of true love never did run smooth,” so if you want a lasting relationship, take the scenic route, not a shortcut to emotional intimacy.
This article by Brittany Beringer was originally published on Women’s Health US.
